Chronic lies about work, online affairs

Post by **Married2Psycho** » Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:00 pm

<t>Hi, 
 
I'm married to a suspected psycho, at least he must be a sociopath, not officially diagnosed but he fits so many of the criteria in my amateur psychologist mind. We have a [information removed, Moderator] daughter together. I have stayed with him for the sake of our daughter and because I have father abandonment issues which happened when we moved out when I was 8 and I hardly saw my Dad much after that. He took out my Mum's lifestyle with no men involved on me to hurt her back. I never wanted my child to go through a breakup. 
 
We have been together near 18 years, amazingly. In that time he worked 5 years very part time in a music store until that closed, and has been doing intermittent music gigs for the past 8 years running at a business loss until making $2K last year. I do alot of his administrative paperwork, accounts and prepare most for his business tax. He has worked a few weeks or days in some other difficult jobs but always quit them. Was on newstart for a few months once until he quit the job washing trucks. I haven't worked myself due to health problems and anxiety. He was also overprotective when I worked and I became unable to relax and got Fibromyalgia. Glaring at me and watching me to tell me off if 5 minutes staying too late so I've been afraid to commit to a job when I know I couldn't deliver, with my autoimmune disease and especially if he is going to get extra protective like that again, leading to me crying etc. 
He brags that his music career is going to take off and that he makes more than he does. Says he has day work which doesn't exist. Since the guitar shop he worked at for under the award wage and never fought for holiday pay nor severance (reckons it's still coming but that''s not what the boss told me), closed near 3 years ago, we have both been surviving on a carer pension I get to take care of our daughter who is now [information removed, Moderator] with Aspergers. We live on that one income, and he smokes cigarettes (and doles out a drag or two to me if he lets me, won't let me hold or roll them and withholds them from me). 
 
When we first got together I had a full time, well-paid office job for 5 years and he pretended to look for work but played computer games and didn't even wash up. He did, however, massage me late at night (tendonitis in forearms from typing too much at work) and listen to my troubles and bring me lunch we ate together everyday. We have a close relationship where we cuddle and relax together and always have. I fell fast for him, and I notice that pattern with him since we broke up temporarily last October he told me he had feelings for someone he'd been chatting to online for many hours a day over longer than a year and told me was innocent (he'd told her we were only together as friends for our child - wrong). 
 
He still won't admit what happened when he met her in secret to see if what was online was true. According to her, they kissed passionately and he fondled her breast before she pulled back saying it would hurt too many people. Yet, told me kissed her like you'd kiss your mother on the cheek. She also said he got angry after her rejection and he kept pushing more as she pulled back and seemed like he could rape someone as he runs on nervous energy and was shaking. He does exist on nicotine and caffeine. 
They broke up btw after I talked to her but then he began another affair straight away, though we were separated then still living together. He never told mewhere he was disappearing to for a few hours multiple times a week. One day I was worried he was uncontractible that he had been in a car crash. That relationship has since ended he told me, she disagreed about how our daughter is being bought up saying Asperger''s doesn't exist and I think she dissed him as a loser with no job, perhaps she found out he'd been lying to her. 
 
Since then, in January, I've been diagnosed with terminal cancer, stage 4. May have a few more years. Problem is my Mum and no one else can care for me but him at the moment. We are close. He still hadn't moved out as he couldn't find cheap accommodation (cos he may have only $100 gig a week if he's lucky). So Mum moved in and tried to care for me but we didn't get on. Now he cares for me as we still have feelings for each other. I have cauda equina syndrome and lost feeling in saddle area so sex is out of the question anymore (told him felt nothing 2 weeks before he tried it with the online lady - I thought it was because of emotions, didn't know it was for a medical reasonn). I can't walk well and have constant nerve pain. Cancerous nodules on the nerves in my tailbone area. Also cancer in lymph nodes in chest and a big node near the pancreas. The day after I found out I have metastastis he had a date with lady two at a park and introduced his daughter to her instead of visiting me in hospital! Visiting me late that night with my daughter very confused keeping a secret from me. 
 
He tells friends and family that he has day work which he doesn't. They can tell from Facebook he doesn't do enough gigs to live on. Last tax return he made $2000 for the year from his music gigs. That's it. It's the first year he's made a profit. Been doing his music business for 8 years now. We have spent $20k on music gear over 18 years, the best guitars, amps etc. He has said he'd give music up if it didn't make a profit and promised many things. It's one of the only things he is good at, being on stage and imitating others playing. He rebels against authority, was rejected for general army entry because of that. I think he has ADHD too. Can never remember where anything is kept in the house and doesn't plan ahead well without a lot of hard work and thought. He is always acting overwhelmed, exhausted and saying he needs a break from everyday life. I let him sometimes watch a movie in peace and not disturb him a whole day. Told a friend recently he on long service leave from his day job (which doesn't exist). That he gave up travel and job opportunities to care for me (but won't tell me what they were). 
The lying is chronic. He can't help himself, gets a little smile of contempt on his face when he does it, duping delight. He says some of it is just him being polite to not hurt peoples' feelings. Also that he can't stop charming people, it's in his nature. Like when he told my Mum she cooked the best roast lamb he has ever had and it was delicious. However, I know he hates lamb and was near retching, he turned green while trying to eat it. So fake! 
 
I saw a message to his second affair a few months ago where he bragged he has got power of attorney, been given a car and inherited a house from his parents. This is all false except the car bit. He has been made executor as he's the eldest of three children and his parents do have a valuable house. His mum also has stage 4 cancer but will hopefully be around longer. Dad's still kicking too. Reckons he was trying to say his life is fabulous and he's not a loser like she thought. However he signed off messages to her at the time 'my darling xoxo'. While supposedly back with me. Reckons they were just friends that went weird and she never wanted commitment, but the word 'my' sounds like a relationship to me? 
 
Problem now is, how to make sure my daughter is provided for after I die but I want to separate from him and be free before then! I may have years left in me yet, or not. I have some super and am worried that that should go to my daughter and not him after I die. I thought we were married again since he became my carer, but he refuses to share his phone, messenger and facebook with me. I saw recently he is still replying to soft porn pic stars on instagram with flowers, hearts and flattering comments. Also, getting sympathy from 'just a friend' older lady where he is making himself look like a saint caring for me and me look crazy and difficult. Meanwhile, talking about romantic things with her instead of making me lunch, and he has had time to relax on the couch and watch movies in the daytime sometimes. Told her he gave up alot to care for me and he needs respite. Nothing much has changed as far as I can see. I was in pain alot when we separated and he treated me like I was making my pain all up and didn't care that he was leaving me with our kid and I could barely and still can barely walk. 
 
I think being married means being open and sharing everything. He refuses to share his Facebook, and having had online affairs before that led to physical intimacy I think I can't live with that. 
 
I put on Facebook that we are married again and he rejected that (both of our status were blank after separating, he deleted all record of our marriage from his account). Reckons he let me go and his feelings changed long ago. Wish I'd known that. He said, though, he's seen how much he has hurt me from what he did in the past and finally admitted that it was cheating. He's hoping we can stop arguing about whether online is real or can lead to real life intimacy. But later he takes back what he said as he never wants to take responsibility for his actions and blames me. Says I withdraw from everyone, being an introvert, and that hurt him. I'm still hurt from 2 years where he chatted with another woman in messenger lying to her that we were not together romantically and much more. 
 
 
I hate the constant lying. But I also crave his companionship and need him. We know each other so well. He wants me to accept him as he is and accept that he needs support and other things from others. Won't discuss sex with me as he knows he abused me last time we tried to have sex and that it makes me sad that I've totally lost my sex life due to medical issues. 
 
Being a guitarist he has many ladies going ga ga for him. Reckons he can't care for me and our daughter without support from friends who are mostly women and keep those conversations all away from me. Reckons I don't need the stress and he's trying to protect me. Yeah right!</t>