School guidance question

[JohnD]

Somebodiesdaughter asked this question for the experts:

I have been wanting to ask this question for some time..

This is about my "at risk" son. He is seven years old and is having behavior problems at school. Hitting and stealing, lying, and general bullying. He is definitely seeking social dominance, has impulse control problems, meaning he goes from mad to hitting without pausing in between. He understands what he is doing is wrong, but does it anyway. Wants to do good.

My question is would it be better to homeschool him or keep him in the school system? At home he is not challenged socially. he knows how to act in my home and knows the rules. He displays control. If he is frustrated at any point I have the patience to work with him and bring him to an understanding and help him dissipate his feelings. At school he is usually punished for wrong behavior, which does nothing to rehabilitate him except make him feel worse about himself and thus increase the situation. Almost every day at school he is doing something wrong. All his good he may be doing in the day, because i truly believe he is trying his best, gets washed over by the one thing he did wrong.

So for me, is the timing of his age better spent where he is challenged or in a supportive and loving environment?

Can provide more details if needed

[JohnD]

Here is one reply to her question:

"I am not sure what the best guidance is for this person and her son.
Although it sounds like she has a pretty good understanding of what are
the triggers for her son's behavior and how to control the environment at
home.

It sounds like if she could get the teachers to work on providing positive
reinforcement for the majority of times he is good it would help. If the
behavioral problems are escalating at school then perhaps it would be
best for some home schooling (with added social activities) for him."

Adelle Forth, Ph.D

[JohnD]

Here is a second response to the question:

This is an excellent question, which I will use as an opportunity to discuss some research findings in at-risk children and teens.

1. Antisocial peers and rejection by more “normative” children play an important role in a child/teen’s antisocial behavior. That statement means that, statistically, antisocial kids experience peer rejection and so tend to associate with others who are antisocial. Although there isn’t proof that friends cause delinquency, the evidence is strong enough that in my opinion parents should try their best to prevent affiliation with delinquent peers. Obviously this becomes increasingly difficult as kids get older. Since peer rejection may be an important forerunner to association with an undesirable crowd, it is also important to prevent peer rejection. At-risk children then need therapy that includes social skills training. Because negative experiences when they build up can affect a person, I do believe that limiting the amount of time kids with poor social skills have with peers might be indicated. It is important to set at-risk kids up for success, and often they require more supervision and parent involvement that the “average” child.

2. Related to 1., If your child can’t tolerate a lot of time with peers in unstructured settings without especially prepared adults, then he/she will need more time with you and others who understand his/her issues. Parent burn-out happens with at-risk kids. It can be very difficult to parent at-risk kids without become negative toward them too. Part of what makes the job of parenting easier is the love and affection between parent and child. At-risk children may be less cooperative, very impulsive and less demonstrative. Parents then fall into a trap of being critical and negative, and the relationship loses the warmth that is so important for these kids. Many experts therefore recommend that parents develop a support system in order to take breaks from their kids. If the child is in school, that can give the parent a break.

3. At-risk children who have low academic achievement also tend to have more severe behavioral problems. So everything else being equal, kids who perform better in reading especially do better. If home schooling does not provide the educational services an at-risk child needs, then the resultant low achievement could be a further handicap. On the other hand, if a parent is personally academically inclined, is a good teacher and can motivate the child, then home schooling might be preferred.

4. This is the point I think there is the least hard evidence for, but I think it is important. I would worry about bullying because of the implication that a child may be learning to enjoy dominating and intimidating others. If a child feels threatened and so believes him/herself to be acting in defense, that might be different than being an “aggressor for no reason”. If kids get a charge from making another frightened or feel bad, that could become a bad habit for their social interactions. The reward for social time should be cooperation, friendship, perhaps a chance to compete fairly, not enjoyment at the expense of another.

I hope this was helpful, only you, together with your child’s mental health providers, know enough about your child to weigh the above statistics and use them to make the best decision on behalf of your child. You question brings up for me a big gripe, that is that Western Governments spend millions on studies to uncover information, and there is no formal mechanism to bring that information to the public.

Liane J. Leedom, M.D